A Letter to Barney

On May 2nd, our sweet, loving and amazing 13 year old cat Barney crossed the rainbow bridge, after a rough period in April. He had a growing cancer in his brain or spine, which was leaving him paralyzed over time. Here is a letter from us to him.

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Hey Barn, how are you doing, kitty cat? We hope you are doing okay there in kitty heaven. Hope you have your brother Teddy with you, and lots of cuddles, treats, scratching posts and counters to jump on. Anyway, we miss you… a lot. 

It’s weird to think it all started with a limping of your front leg, literally a month ago (writing this on May 5th). We thought you just jumped weird and maybe hurt your leg a bit and it would cure soon, but we were so wrong. It’s still crazy to us that it all happened so fast, and a few days later your walking was way worse. We took you to the vet and nothing was wrong with your paw, which definitely seemed off. But we went back home, with a bit of pain medication to see if it would at least give you some comfort during the healing process. 

Things got so much worse over the course of the week, in ways we could never imagine. Suddenly you couldn’t jump or use your leg at all by any means. When we took you to the vet again we knew things were probably going to go bad but we definitely had hope. All the exams again, x-rays, and we found out 2 of your spine vertebrae were completely compressed, with no space in between, and maybe that might have caused the numbness of the arm. It was also mentioned that your lungs had weird white "masses" in it, which the vet indicated is not normal and might be cancer. Unfortunately, we couldn’t confirm 100% if it was cancer since Winnipeg doesn’t have an MRI machine for pets, but the vet ruled out every other possibility and we were just left with that horrible probable conclusion. This cancer was also probably on your spine or brain, since one side of your body was being more affected.

We were given steroids to help with inflammation and possibly get your arm back to normal, so we spent the weekend working on that.  We even thought of taking you to acupuncture, but the waiting lists were long and we didn't have much time. The medication actually helped a bit but a few days later everything just got way worse. You were now not being able to use your back leg properly (all in one side), and your balance was completely off. You now couldn’t do the essential things like going to the litter box, cleaning yourself and using your legs to scratch your ears if they were itchy. We couldn’t stop crying when watching you try and we knew…

We went to the vet again and that was it, really. He let us know there wasn’t much to be done since the steroids seem to be trying hard to stop the progress of the disease but not enough to actually improve things and give you your quality of life back. We still had to help you use the litter, and everything else really. As much as we wanted to keep you with us for longer, we knew we didn’t want you to suffer more, and seeing you so frustrated for not being able to do anything was hurting so much. We really really wish we could have saved you, cured you, done something to get things back to “normal”. Unfortunately we couldn’t, Barn. We’re so sorry.

We set the date and it was one of the hardest weeks of our lives. The thought of not having you anymore hurt so much. We honestly went back and forth thinking if we should or shouldn’t do it, but ultimately, we could not be selfish. And believe us, we really wanted to be selfish. 

You are now gone and the past few days have been really hard on us. We think of you constantly and can’t seem to believe all of this is true. Your little face, black and white hair, green eyes, silent meows and purr are in our minds every hour of the day. Your presence was so strong, your love was so vibrant. Not having you around is heartbreaking to say the least. We keep trying to think you are happy and better now, jumping, running and free. We also like to think your gentle sweet soul remains with us, wherever we go. That your spirit is still cuddling in bed with us, going to the kitchen to get fed, trying to eat the plants and drinking dirty water from the sink.

We see you everywhere, Barn Barn. Playing with your little green mouse during the night (that we are going to keep on our shelf with your photo and name tag), going up on the counters and knocking things down, trying to get into the trash, jumping on top of the fridge to see everything from up there, and drinking so much water your chest would get all wet. We see you in our bedroom, on our bed, sleeping with your eyes open like you used to, your toe beans curled up and so cute we couldn't handle. We really miss you on Nico's chest every night and morning, and how you tried to be sneaky and sleep on our pillows after using the litter box (gross but oh what we would do to have that again). We see you in the living room, laying on the ottoman or the couch in that weird funny way you used to. We miss you trying to steal food from the coffee table or side table, and going on our laps to get attention, making your little buns. We miss you playing with your catnip toys and using your back legs to kick them and your front legs to hug them in an extremely cute way only you knew how. Even giving you your subcutaneous liquids every evening is something we miss. It was our routine, our little moment where you (and Maple) got loads of treats. We miss it all.

As I am writing this text, I miss you coming up on the desk, walking all over the computer and keyboard with not a care in the world about what you were stepping on. You were so present. And now there is a void. We would do anything to see you again, hug you again, kiss your head thousands of times again (like you always loved). It’s hard to live life without you, Barnicito. Maple is now an only child again and it breaks my heart. We think you were good to her, and taught her to be more social and cuddly. You were so good. You were the perfect cat in all possible ways, and we will always love you immensely, kitty. 

We want you to know how much you were loved by everyone. We are so incredibly grateful to have had such a sweet soul in our lives. Thanks for choosing us while you were on earth. We hope we’ll see you again someday and be able to be with you for eternity. See you on the other side, Barney.

Love, 

Isa, Nico and Maple